


Light in the Dark

by cadkitten



Category: Dir en grey
Genre: Angst, Depression, Fluff, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-16
Updated: 2013-10-16
Packaged: 2017-12-29 13:52:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,777
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1006203
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cadkitten/pseuds/cadkitten
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>All the small, usually insignificant bits that ate at him like the very worst of viruses. Day by day, it got worse and worse... the hole he was living in, deeper and deeper. Alone and drowning.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Light in the Dark

**Author's Note:**

> Beta Readers: sakura_ame  
> Song[s]: "Buried in These Walls" by blessthefall

Die sank down on the edge of the bunk, hunching over, burying his face in his hands and heaving out a soft sigh. Everything tumbled inside him, his emotions in overdrive and his pain building faster than he could keep it under control. It wasn't a single thing, not one solitary event that pulled at him. Rather, it was everything all at once. All the small, usually insignificant bits that ate at him like the very worst of viruses. Day by day, it got worse and worse... the hole he was living in, deeper and deeper. Alone and drowning. He was sure someone would have helped if only he'd asked, but how was he supposed to do that? When he had nothing to point to as the cause, no _reason_ to be as he was... surely he would only cause nuisance to someone else by reaching out for a lifeline he didn't even understand.

And so... he'd kept it inside now for nearly a month. The tremulous rumble of it swelling to the point that it overwhelmed all else and left him feeling drained... shallow... even after the best of concerts. Now, he sat here on the verge of tears he couldn't understand, insecurity and fault lying behind every thought, every action. 

Footsteps moved past him, four sets in total. He could see the shoes as they passed him by. Nora, Shinya, Kaoru, Toshiya. Waiting, watching... where was the last unaccounted for set? The one set that meant they'd be pulling out in just a few minutes, on their way to another city, another concert.

A hand landed lightly on his shoulder, fingers squeezing. No words, only actions. The gentle caress of fingertips over his hair and then the light skim of knuckles down the side of his cheek. Shoes came into view and then Kyo's face as the vocalist crouched down and peered up at him. And then, finally, the words, "Talk to me."

His eyes caught the other man's own, just studying and then looking away. There was nothing to tell, nothing of significance and no meaning behind what he did have to say. Just the swell of his distraught emotions, the fragile pull of something that had once been far stronger. He gave a little shake of his head, unable to even voice that much about it. A waste of Kyo's time, that was all it would ever be.

Kyo's hand came to rest on his thigh, the warm press of his fingers through the material catching Die's attention, his eyes focusing on the tattooed fingers. "You've been upset for a while, but tonight... it's eating you alive." Kyo's fingers squeezed lightly and then his free hand was on his cheek again, just gently cupping it as he slid to his knees on the rutted liner of the floor. "You think no one will notice. Plaster the smile on and push the sunglasses on to hide behind. Keep it inside because it's not worth spilling out. But that's not true."

Die's eyes flickered up to meet Kyo's own again, his heart beating out a frantic staccato in his chest. His mouth formed the words, the sound never coming, but that didn't seem to matter, Kyo seemed to understand anyway.

"How do I know?" He slid his fingers under the other's chin, just a gentle upward tap and then they were gone, the ghost of a smile sliding over his face as he moved. "When the light in my life fades into darkness... I notice." His eyes held Die's own, a certain admission dancing in them before he looked away again, this time down the aisle. "Sometimes you keep me afloat. You don't know it... but never underestimate yourself or the good you do in other's lives just by existing, Daisuke." He pushed himself to his feet and pressed his hands into his pockets as he leaned back against the bunk on the other side. "Your presence alone is enough to keep me going. Your smile an extra fifteen minutes I don't feel like I'm drowning, and your pure existence," he shook his head, "the very reason I've stopped before doing many a stupid thing since I've known you."

Die stared up at Kyo, a certain amount of pain creeping into his gaze as the other spoke. Looking down at the floor, he murmured, "Then I'm letting you down and I'm sorry."

Kyo's hand was in his hair, pulling his head back faster than Die's mind could register the other had moved. "Don’t you dare." Kyo's lips grazed against his ear, his presence a multitude more than his actual being. "You're not letting anyone down but yourself. I didn't come asking for an apology, I came to let you find a place to let it all out. I swam through the darkness to find my light and revive it."

Die's hand came to rest on Kyo's wrist, just holding, not pushing or pulling. Something about the harsh way he was being held in that moment feeling more like a necessary than a cruelty. A few seconds flitted by before he finally breathed out, "There's no a good reason. There's nothing I can say that means a thing."

Kyo's fingers released his hair and the vocalist took a single step back, regarding him quietly for a moment. "Everything you say means something, somewhere, to someone. The mind does things without reason, without point." He held out his hand. "An even trade of the lies that our minds tell us. An equal session to spill it all out."

There wasn't an ounce of hesitation as Die pulled himself upright, his hand sliding into Kyo's own, warm fingers closing around his and tugging him lightly to the front of the bus. They slid onto the couch beside one another and Kyo reached into the fridge beside them, pulling free a bottle of Die's favorite beer, screwing off the top and handing it over. "Now tell me what's going on up there."

Die took the beer, settling back in his seat and taking a sip of it before he finally just shook his head. "I feel worthless. But there's no reason for it. I'm miserable but I can't figure out why. Everything I do or say feels fake... forced. Every thought I have feels like it's from someone else's mind rather than my own."

Kyo studied the other and then nodded. "I feel that way every single day. The thoughts chase themselves in useless circles in my mind, none of them making the smallest amount of sense. I feel like a failure and yet everything outwardly points to the opposite. I long for the things I know I shouldn't do because it gives me a moment to realize I'm not what my thoughts tell me I am." He shook his head a little. 

"I'm depressed. I've..." Die huffed out a little humorless laugh, "I've taken the tests. But there's no good reason. I'm not suicidal so no one will help. No pills or therapy. No talking or trying to work through it. By all standards... I'm fine. But, I'm not."

Kyo's hand came to settle on Die's thigh again, just resting there. "There are things we can't explain in life. Reasons why the mind plays these tricks on us and makes us think we are worthless, hopeless, fruitless beings. Pills aren't the answer, either. I've been on and off a million and one. All they do is dull the only thing I have left when I get into that place."

Die nodded a little, his hand coming down to rest on top of Kyo's own, curling with his and just feeling that connection.

Kyo turned his hand and grasped Die's fingers in return, his eyes watching intently for a few moments before he offered, "Sometimes this is what we need. To get it all out in the open, no matter how pointless it sounds. To find," he squeezed Die's hand, "and hang onto something substantial in our lives. To acknowledge we exist for more than just ourselves."

"Without you... life would not be the same," Die returned quietly, his fingers gliding over the side of the beer bottle, gathering the sweat from the otherwise forgotten piece of glass. 

Kyo shifted closer, leaning so that Die would have to look at him or turn completely away. Catching his eyes, he offered quietly, "Without you, I would not be alive." He gave it a few moments to sink in and then sat back once more. "Take those words to heart. Because they are the truth. I told you that you've been my light in the darkness and it's the truth. You make that extra effort to ensure I'm not as down as I could be. You reach out without even thinking about it to make sure I'm okay."

"Of course I do," Die returned quietly, "because I care about you and what happens to you."

A gentle smile curved Kyo's lips before he looked away, gazing out the window of the bus as it started moving away from the venue. "I find that in this life... all things happen for a reason. Do you believe in that?"

Die allowed his gaze to linger on the vocalist's features for a moment before his brown eyes found the glass of his bottle, watching the condensation slide down the side, pooling around the base. "Yes. I believe in a great many things. That what I've done in my past lives affects what I have been given or have not in this life and that what I do here will bleed over into the next. I believe that life has a course to run and an array of paths to follow, each choice leading between them."

Kyo's fingers tightened around Die's hand. "And where do you believe this one is leading you, Die?"

The guitarist's fingers trembled slightly before he gripped the green glass and brought the bottle to his lips, downing some of the amber liquid within. Placing the bottle back down on the table, he quietly offered, "I have found my inner pain... the ache of all the men before me. But I think... maybe I found it for this moment."

Kyo shifted in the seat, once more looking directly at Die, his eyes unguarded for the first time since Die had known him. "And what have you found in this moment?"

Even as Die met the vocalist's gaze, his answer was already sliding past his lips... the truth of it undeniable. "You. I've found you."

"Sometimes," Kyo returned quietly, "there's a light within the darkness. You need only uncover it."

**The End**


End file.
